Friday, May 12, 2006
STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
This morning I had one of the strangest moments in hospital so far.
There I was, happily lying in bed ( not that I had any other option ), sound asleep ( due to the ear plugs blocking out most of my roommate's snoring ) without a care in the world, dreaming of running around European meadows singing "the hills are alive.........". Just kidding about the dreaming bit.
Anyway, I get rudely awoken by one of the night nurses accompanied by some strange man in a suit.
It's amazing how you're brain works when suddenly roused from slumber.
Now when a car's engine management computer suffers from some major malfunction it switches to what's called "limp home mode". This is a program which although isn't the most efficient or optimum, will get you back home or to a garage.
I think that's what happened to my brain. It must have reverted back to some primal survival mode.
In the space of a couple milliseconds it goes through a series of calculations, which dictate you reaction.
It goes something like:
sleeping, sleeping, sleeping………..huh, what’s that?............some noise?...........is it a dream noise or a real one?............it’s real!!!!, wake up!..........open eyes……….it’s dark, still night time………eyes! – quick scan of surroundings for any signs of danger…………..two life forms registered, proximity: close………..scan memory for possible matches: one match, night nurse, threat level – minimal………..focus on other life form: male……..male wearing suit, threat level potentially high to very high! ready body for immediate fight or flight action!
At about this point I took over from “limp home mode”.
Now I get suspicious of suits as it is any way, they always look like they’re trying to conform because they’ve got something to hide and that’ll make them look less suspicious if they blend in!……………..or I could have an overactive imagination.
I get especially suspicious of ones appearing next to my bed in the wee hours of the night!
I’m trying to figure out what this suit is doing there, maybe I’m about to be drugged and taken away for some nocturnal experiments, part of some dark, clandestine research or something.
Or it could be my overactive imagination again.
His lips are moving, but there’s no sound coming out. Maybe they’ve already drugged me and I’ve woken up just in time to catch onto their little caper!
And then I realise…………. I’m wearing ear plugs.
As it turned out it was my chief orthopaedic surgeon, Steven.
He’d just decided to pop in to have a chat about my collar bone and a general chat about how my injuries are progressing.
“I’ve had a look at your collar bone x-rays and looks like we’ll have to operate on it in order to screw in a plate because it’s just not uniting.”
“How’s that right leg going? It looks good, whoever put that together did a great job. Oh wait, that was me!”
“And how’s the left leg? That’s looking pretty straight. I wonder who did that. Oh, that would be me again, wouldn’t it?”
He’s one of those talented surgeons whose quality of work totally depends on which footy team you go for. He is an Aussie rules fan, I’m more into union. Darn good thing he didn’t find out before the initial surgery.
Kind of reminds me of one of the doctors on the TV show Scrubs.
I think his best quote would have to be “It's people like you that make me rich.”
Bad thing is it looks like I’m going back under the knife on Tuesday week.
But the good thing is that I’ll probably get my favourite toy back! The self administered, intravenous morphine machine! One push of the button and the pain goes away, a few pushes and the wall comes alive!
When they left I checked the time, 6:20 in the morning!
What the hell is wrong with these people?
There I was, happily lying in bed ( not that I had any other option ), sound asleep ( due to the ear plugs blocking out most of my roommate's snoring ) without a care in the world, dreaming of running around European meadows singing "the hills are alive.........". Just kidding about the dreaming bit.
Anyway, I get rudely awoken by one of the night nurses accompanied by some strange man in a suit.
It's amazing how you're brain works when suddenly roused from slumber.
Now when a car's engine management computer suffers from some major malfunction it switches to what's called "limp home mode". This is a program which although isn't the most efficient or optimum, will get you back home or to a garage.
I think that's what happened to my brain. It must have reverted back to some primal survival mode.
In the space of a couple milliseconds it goes through a series of calculations, which dictate you reaction.
It goes something like:
sleeping, sleeping, sleeping………..huh, what’s that?............some noise?...........is it a dream noise or a real one?............it’s real!!!!, wake up!..........open eyes……….it’s dark, still night time………eyes! – quick scan of surroundings for any signs of danger…………..two life forms registered, proximity: close………..scan memory for possible matches: one match, night nurse, threat level – minimal………..focus on other life form: male……..male wearing suit, threat level potentially high to very high! ready body for immediate fight or flight action!
At about this point I took over from “limp home mode”.
Now I get suspicious of suits as it is any way, they always look like they’re trying to conform because they’ve got something to hide and that’ll make them look less suspicious if they blend in!……………..or I could have an overactive imagination.
I get especially suspicious of ones appearing next to my bed in the wee hours of the night!
I’m trying to figure out what this suit is doing there, maybe I’m about to be drugged and taken away for some nocturnal experiments, part of some dark, clandestine research or something.
Or it could be my overactive imagination again.
His lips are moving, but there’s no sound coming out. Maybe they’ve already drugged me and I’ve woken up just in time to catch onto their little caper!
And then I realise…………. I’m wearing ear plugs.
As it turned out it was my chief orthopaedic surgeon, Steven.
He’d just decided to pop in to have a chat about my collar bone and a general chat about how my injuries are progressing.
“I’ve had a look at your collar bone x-rays and looks like we’ll have to operate on it in order to screw in a plate because it’s just not uniting.”
“How’s that right leg going? It looks good, whoever put that together did a great job. Oh wait, that was me!”
“And how’s the left leg? That’s looking pretty straight. I wonder who did that. Oh, that would be me again, wouldn’t it?”
He’s one of those talented surgeons whose quality of work totally depends on which footy team you go for. He is an Aussie rules fan, I’m more into union. Darn good thing he didn’t find out before the initial surgery.
Kind of reminds me of one of the doctors on the TV show Scrubs.
I think his best quote would have to be “It's people like you that make me rich.”
Bad thing is it looks like I’m going back under the knife on Tuesday week.
But the good thing is that I’ll probably get my favourite toy back! The self administered, intravenous morphine machine! One push of the button and the pain goes away, a few pushes and the wall comes alive!
When they left I checked the time, 6:20 in the morning!
What the hell is wrong with these people?
