Wednesday, April 19, 2006
HOW TO GET A FREE HELICOPTER RIDE
So now that you know about my little altercation with the sadistic spud carrier from hell, I can give a more detailed account of the aftermath.
As I lay in the recovery position on my left side ( here’s one we prepared earlier…….no really, I landed like that ) looking into the lush green bushland to the side of the road, I was very confused.
I was pretty sure I hadn’t lost consciousness, but my spontaneous roadside acrobatics happened so quickly that I wasn’t sure.
All I knew was that someone had moved the horizon by about 90 degrees.
After realising that bugger all time had passed, something else drew my attention.
Like the kid at the back of the class, arm enthusiastically stabbing at the ceiling, calling at first then yelling my name, finally jumping up and down with impatient need of attention, something else came within view of my mind.
A sensation familiar yet different to any time ever experienced before.
Pain started to seep in like a fog rolling down a valley. Before long I was engulfed in it and it captivated my attention wholly. Everywhere I turned, there it was……completely filling my consciousness.
So there I lay, trying to figure out which bits are working, which bits are causing me the most pain and what I could do about it ( came to the conclusion there was bugger all ) whilst staring at the most serene, luscious and calming bit of aussie bush scene.
So this is what roadkill feels like. Lucky for my being human, I could be pretty sure of some assistance coming my way rather than another errant vehicle.
Adam was riding a few seconds behind and according to him the first indication of trouble was the telltale sign……dust and dirt being thrown up ( by the truck ).
Next came the semitrailer, which was now trying to regain control and stop ( he later told me that he thought he was going to become part of some giant impromptu potato salad as the load was trying its hardest to detach from the trailer and launch itself at him ).
After negotiating that obstacle he came around the corner only to find me and my bike in the middle of a competition to see which of us could do the best impersonation of a lizard drinking ( both of us losing as we were on our sides, but you could say the bike was ahead because it was pretty flat after being run over ).
So a squatting Adam suddenly filled my vision.
This brought about a conflict of emotions and more confusion.
I was kind of glad to see him because I knew everything should be ok.
On the other hand I might have died and gone to heaven, in which case that make Adam god or maybe St Peter……..either way a scary thought.
Then again I could be in hell, in which case it would make Adam the devil……..still not a pretty thought.
I chose to go with the first one and felt compelled to utter my first words in order to let Adam know that I’m ok and with it and in no major danger of fading fast “Oh fuck it hurts!”.
I don’t know if it had the desired effect, but at least we established some sort of communication link.
Eventually our Kodak moment was spoilt as more punters arrived on the scene. First some drivers, then the Country Fire Authority, followed by the Police and finally someone who could actually help me, the Paramedics,
By this stage I had been reunited with my ride buddies who were appropriately shook up.
So there was quite a party going on with everyone wanting to have a chat with the guest of honour.
Whilst lying there I had taken account of the sources of the pain and was able to inform the paramedics that my right leg was pretty smashed up, as was my right lower arm / hand and also my left femur.
They reckoned my left leg looked ok until they tried to move and said “Geez you’re right mate. I think it’s broken.” Tell me something I don’t know!
So they did…….”Looks like your left collar bone’s broken too mate.” said the ambo in a way that could have been “Looks like we’re out of milk as well.”
Gotta love how calm these people are. You could be lying there with you foot next to your ear and your head next to your arse and they’d say “Stay there mate, don’t move, we’ll just go and get some morphine and a stretcher and she’ll be apples.”
So from there it was onto stretcher, into the ambulance and off the local cricket oval.
Here I am lying in pain and they want to watch the local under 16’s cricket match!
It all made sense when I heard the faint sound of a helicopter blades, which then turned into something resembling Mike Tyson giving a boxing speed ball a right old flogging.
My first helicopter ride!!!!! Yay!!
My first broken bones! Doh!
Would have been better if I wasn’t lying on my back looking at clouds, but still….
Before long we were landing at the Alfred hospital and the next phase was about to begin.
To be continued……………
As I lay in the recovery position on my left side ( here’s one we prepared earlier…….no really, I landed like that ) looking into the lush green bushland to the side of the road, I was very confused.
I was pretty sure I hadn’t lost consciousness, but my spontaneous roadside acrobatics happened so quickly that I wasn’t sure.
All I knew was that someone had moved the horizon by about 90 degrees.
After realising that bugger all time had passed, something else drew my attention.
Like the kid at the back of the class, arm enthusiastically stabbing at the ceiling, calling at first then yelling my name, finally jumping up and down with impatient need of attention, something else came within view of my mind.
A sensation familiar yet different to any time ever experienced before.
Pain started to seep in like a fog rolling down a valley. Before long I was engulfed in it and it captivated my attention wholly. Everywhere I turned, there it was……completely filling my consciousness.
So there I lay, trying to figure out which bits are working, which bits are causing me the most pain and what I could do about it ( came to the conclusion there was bugger all ) whilst staring at the most serene, luscious and calming bit of aussie bush scene.
So this is what roadkill feels like. Lucky for my being human, I could be pretty sure of some assistance coming my way rather than another errant vehicle.
Adam was riding a few seconds behind and according to him the first indication of trouble was the telltale sign……dust and dirt being thrown up ( by the truck ).
Next came the semitrailer, which was now trying to regain control and stop ( he later told me that he thought he was going to become part of some giant impromptu potato salad as the load was trying its hardest to detach from the trailer and launch itself at him ).
After negotiating that obstacle he came around the corner only to find me and my bike in the middle of a competition to see which of us could do the best impersonation of a lizard drinking ( both of us losing as we were on our sides, but you could say the bike was ahead because it was pretty flat after being run over ).
So a squatting Adam suddenly filled my vision.
This brought about a conflict of emotions and more confusion.
I was kind of glad to see him because I knew everything should be ok.
On the other hand I might have died and gone to heaven, in which case that make Adam god or maybe St Peter……..either way a scary thought.
Then again I could be in hell, in which case it would make Adam the devil……..still not a pretty thought.
I chose to go with the first one and felt compelled to utter my first words in order to let Adam know that I’m ok and with it and in no major danger of fading fast “Oh fuck it hurts!”.
I don’t know if it had the desired effect, but at least we established some sort of communication link.
Eventually our Kodak moment was spoilt as more punters arrived on the scene. First some drivers, then the Country Fire Authority, followed by the Police and finally someone who could actually help me, the Paramedics,
By this stage I had been reunited with my ride buddies who were appropriately shook up.
So there was quite a party going on with everyone wanting to have a chat with the guest of honour.
Whilst lying there I had taken account of the sources of the pain and was able to inform the paramedics that my right leg was pretty smashed up, as was my right lower arm / hand and also my left femur.
They reckoned my left leg looked ok until they tried to move and said “Geez you’re right mate. I think it’s broken.” Tell me something I don’t know!
So they did…….”Looks like your left collar bone’s broken too mate.” said the ambo in a way that could have been “Looks like we’re out of milk as well.”
Gotta love how calm these people are. You could be lying there with you foot next to your ear and your head next to your arse and they’d say “Stay there mate, don’t move, we’ll just go and get some morphine and a stretcher and she’ll be apples.”
So from there it was onto stretcher, into the ambulance and off the local cricket oval.
Here I am lying in pain and they want to watch the local under 16’s cricket match!
It all made sense when I heard the faint sound of a helicopter blades, which then turned into something resembling Mike Tyson giving a boxing speed ball a right old flogging.
My first helicopter ride!!!!! Yay!!
My first broken bones! Doh!
Would have been better if I wasn’t lying on my back looking at clouds, but still….
Before long we were landing at the Alfred hospital and the next phase was about to begin.
To be continued……………
