Wednesday, July 19, 2006
FINALLY REVEALED: THE SECRET GUILD OF CRAZY ORDERLIES
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Hospitals are a lot like colonies in nature.
There are various animals of the same specie with particular responsibilities and specially equipped to deal with specific situations.
Usually these various vertebrates spend as little time as necessary actually interacting with each other and spend most of their time attending to their own tasks ( this can also be said for the various areas or departments within these hospitals ).
They can however be easily distracted by other members of the colony known as patients whose sole purpose it seems is to be constantly attended to, washed, fed, filled with chemicals, moved around, cut open, added to, removed from, shut back up again, moved again, regularly made to perform various movements known as physiotherapy and subjected to various procedures and tests ( which they seem to obtain pain from and display a clear distaste for ).
Some of these are known as orderlies.
These creatures spend their day dutifully scurrying along the corridors that link all the various wards and departments of the hospital, moving around patients in wheelchairs and trolleys like busy worker ants moving larvae from one part of the colony to another.
Sometimes they are called on to assist nurses ( a different creature again ) but usually they tend to stick to ferrying the patients between different areas.
From my studies I can reveal that the orderlies change their behaviour the longer they are occupied in their duties.
They start off very friendly and sociable and seem to take enjoyment from interacting verbally with their charges.
After some time they appear to develop certain psychological changes, which seem to render them unable to continue their apparently sociable verbal interactions and they begin verbalise at rather than to their objects of burden about things like: how difficult their job is, how the pressure to move patients on time is too much, how other colony members' expectations are too high, how other orderlies don't perform their tasks as efficiently, and a plethora of other topics.
I have written of this kind of behaviour before.
My current means of conveyance falls into this very category and today I clearly upset him.
After a telephonic exchange with someone he questioned their continual insistence on performing some task in the difficult manner rather than opting for some clearly obvious and easier method.
"What's up mate?'' I asked.
"Oh nothing." he dismissed my enquiry.
"Well are you gonna grizzle about it all afternoon or are ya going to tell me?" I challenged.
Well, didn't he go all quiet and broody.
I had put him in a position he wasn't used to i.e. someone actually listening to his continual vocalised grievances.
After some coaxing, he managed to explain the source of his dissatisfaction and happily reverted back to his former unhappy self.
The next stage into which these orderlies enter into is their final one and the most interesting........before they die.
After an extensive four month field trip I have surmised that the constant repetition of their daily tasks combined with the growing list of real and imagined tribulations render them clinically insane.
Their vocalisations become a combination of the two mentioned before in the sense that they spend equal time directing them at patients and at themselves.
They also transform from the unhappy, disenchanted, frustrated into blissfully happy and unable to feel the former emotions.
I have been studying a particular example of this third stage.
He takes the form of 68 year old Welshman, around 5 feet 8 inches in height and of a substantial girth with a Barry White voice.
"Now you can say you've met a Welshman with a 13 inch cock!"
"Ya fuckhead!"
"Hello slut!"
"Wait you dickhead and cross when the man is green!"
These are just some of the communications he has directed at entities other than himself although sometimes it is rather difficult to distinguish if they are indeed directed at others.
Soon he will pass on from the colony and another will take his place.
Tomorrow I will arrive at the Alfred hospital at 6:45am to have a part removed for a change.
The seventh procedure "Operation Screw You! Screw" will be carried out and that dastardly screw in my left knee will be vanquished.
Hot on the heels of my anti Israeli Defence Force rant we have this sick photo.
At which point is this right?
.
Hospitals are a lot like colonies in nature.
There are various animals of the same specie with particular responsibilities and specially equipped to deal with specific situations.
Usually these various vertebrates spend as little time as necessary actually interacting with each other and spend most of their time attending to their own tasks ( this can also be said for the various areas or departments within these hospitals ).
They can however be easily distracted by other members of the colony known as patients whose sole purpose it seems is to be constantly attended to, washed, fed, filled with chemicals, moved around, cut open, added to, removed from, shut back up again, moved again, regularly made to perform various movements known as physiotherapy and subjected to various procedures and tests ( which they seem to obtain pain from and display a clear distaste for ).
Some of these are known as orderlies.
These creatures spend their day dutifully scurrying along the corridors that link all the various wards and departments of the hospital, moving around patients in wheelchairs and trolleys like busy worker ants moving larvae from one part of the colony to another.
Sometimes they are called on to assist nurses ( a different creature again ) but usually they tend to stick to ferrying the patients between different areas.
From my studies I can reveal that the orderlies change their behaviour the longer they are occupied in their duties.
They start off very friendly and sociable and seem to take enjoyment from interacting verbally with their charges.
After some time they appear to develop certain psychological changes, which seem to render them unable to continue their apparently sociable verbal interactions and they begin verbalise at rather than to their objects of burden about things like: how difficult their job is, how the pressure to move patients on time is too much, how other colony members' expectations are too high, how other orderlies don't perform their tasks as efficiently, and a plethora of other topics.
I have written of this kind of behaviour before.
My current means of conveyance falls into this very category and today I clearly upset him.
After a telephonic exchange with someone he questioned their continual insistence on performing some task in the difficult manner rather than opting for some clearly obvious and easier method.
"What's up mate?'' I asked.
"Oh nothing." he dismissed my enquiry.
"Well are you gonna grizzle about it all afternoon or are ya going to tell me?" I challenged.
Well, didn't he go all quiet and broody.
I had put him in a position he wasn't used to i.e. someone actually listening to his continual vocalised grievances.
After some coaxing, he managed to explain the source of his dissatisfaction and happily reverted back to his former unhappy self.
The next stage into which these orderlies enter into is their final one and the most interesting........before they die.
After an extensive four month field trip I have surmised that the constant repetition of their daily tasks combined with the growing list of real and imagined tribulations render them clinically insane.
Their vocalisations become a combination of the two mentioned before in the sense that they spend equal time directing them at patients and at themselves.
They also transform from the unhappy, disenchanted, frustrated into blissfully happy and unable to feel the former emotions.
I have been studying a particular example of this third stage.
He takes the form of 68 year old Welshman, around 5 feet 8 inches in height and of a substantial girth with a Barry White voice.
"Now you can say you've met a Welshman with a 13 inch cock!"
"Ya fuckhead!"
"Hello slut!"
"Wait you dickhead and cross when the man is green!"
These are just some of the communications he has directed at entities other than himself although sometimes it is rather difficult to distinguish if they are indeed directed at others.
Soon he will pass on from the colony and another will take his place.
Tomorrow I will arrive at the Alfred hospital at 6:45am to have a part removed for a change.
The seventh procedure "Operation Screw You! Screw" will be carried out and that dastardly screw in my left knee will be vanquished.
Hot on the heels of my anti Israeli Defence Force rant we have this sick photo.
At which point is this right?
.
